Monday, January 31, 2011

Tear All the Walls Down

(c) August 2009, Kathy Fannon

by Guest Blogger: Trenda

I was asked once why I allowed myself to get so fat. Of course, my first response was, “I don't know.”

When you’re lost, you sometimes don't realize how you got so lost, and finding your way home is really difficult when you have no clue where you are. So you decide you’re going to lose weight, problem solved. You sign up for the gym or you go for walks and watch your calorie intake only to find that you are so easily derailed in the process.

Here’s what may have happened to you: you never figured out where you were, why or how you got there, and what you’re losing besides the pounds.

I became lost for two reasons. First, I didn't care about me; I didn't feel I deserved to be complete. Second, I needed protection; walls were built to keep others from hurting me. What is the best way of not getting hurt? Don't let anyone get close. What is the best way to be ignored? Be fat.

Two years ago I was determined to lose weight. I joined the YMCA and worked out three times a week. I changed what I ate, and how much, and lost over forty pounds. I was so excited and wore jeans that were two sizes smaller and it felt good, on the surface.

I went grocery shopping with my husband one day and he told me there were two guys who had been checking me out. He thought I would feel so happy about that, and he knew I loved him and he wasn't threatened by this. What he didn't know was for the first time my walls had disappeared and I was exposed and scared. I played it off like he didn't know what he was talking about. I then moved into being angry that finally after I lost the weight, others now notice me, but I was still the same person I was before, and it wasn't fair.

I was still the same person inside, a wounded, scared child who needed the security of the fat to make myself invisible to others. A friend once told me it was like going out on the stage of the world for a talent show and I didn't have a talent planned nor had I practiced. So guess what happened? I gained the forty pounds back PLUS ten more pounds and continued to hide behind the walls of fat.

This time, as I am back on the gym and healthy eating journey, I am also on the real me program. There are two steps to this program: First, I remind myself that I DO deserve this. This is for me, not my husband, not my friends, not my kids, not even to be around longer. This is for me to live everyday to the fullest and to go to bed at night knowing I did for myself what I would gladly do for anyone I cared about. Wow! There was a light bulb moment. I care about ME.

The second thing I have to do on this program is to live my life as if I am weightless. Age, weight, hair color, or skin color doesn't determine who I really am. What counts is my mind, my heart, my soul and my actions.

This isn't easy. I still can't go do ab crunches on the big ball at the gym when there is a skinny, beautiful blonde doing them on another ball close by. BUT I can now at least identify why I didn't go in the same room. Next time I will go to the door and tell myself to go in. I found out where I landed when I got lost, and am figuring out the directions to get back home.

Tear the walls down, let go of the past and see where you landed and why. Then, admire the scenery as you find your way home and remind yourself each step is worth the effort because YOU have now been placed on the list of those you care about.

Practice now to accept who you will become. This is what derails us; we don't get to know who we have been hiding behind the pounds. I bet you will like the you that you have been hiding. Even more I bet you will learn to care enough to protect the new you from others who want to hurt you and realize you don't need the walls any more.

You can take care of YOU.